


Deserving More

by Gayle_fic



Series: Long Road Ahead [13]
Category: Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, Evanstan - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 04:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18886852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayle_fic/pseuds/Gayle_fic
Summary: Sebastian replies to Chris' drunken messages and all it not lost.





	Deserving More

**Author's Note:**

> First off I want to make a quick disclaimer about this chapter. Please don’t think I would write about topics in this part of the story lightly. I don’t go into a lot of detail and do not want to dwell on it too long. It is a sensitive topic, so I hope I don’t offend anyone. 
> 
> There isn't much left of the series left. I hope you stick with it.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading and giving feedback and kudos. <3

Sebastian smiled politely at the conversation going on around him. He had joined a small group of friends for dinner and drinks, he had thought it might distract him from all the voicemails Chris had left for him. He had listened to them all while heading to the apartment he was staying at. While some of the messages made him laugh a lot of it was painful to listen to.

Chris had sounded so upset on the call and that had been the hardest thing to hear. Sebastian knew there were lots of good memories and he had plenty of his own, but he had done his best to lock them away and not think about them. Now his mind was consumed with late night conversations where they had talked so much about what they had wanted in life. There had always been an undertone that they were both involved in those dreams and aspirations but none if it had been real; not to Sebastian. All he knew was what they had physically but past that there had been someone else Chris would have those future dreams with. He had known from the start what Chris’ situation was and he had tried to not get attached but he had failed, and it had blown up in his face.

Hearing Chris admit it had been real for him and not just fantasy had rocked Sebastian to the core. He wanted to talk to Chris, he did but, he was scared in case it was just a drunk Chris and he was now somewhere regretting it all. Most of all he was scared that is was all true and how could they go forward or if they should at all. He’d never know unless he replied to Chris.

It was still early as he finished up his meal and with everyone heading out Sebastian took the opportunity to excuse himself, saying that he was tired, and he’d catch up with everyone over the next few days. He walked a couple of blocks and felt himself out of breath, he hadn’t marched or exerted himself but with his finger over the call button it had his heart racing.

Chris called on Dodger, he had been out throwing a ball for over an hour, the last of his hangover fading with the night. Dodger came bounding up to him and lapped at the praise and affection. As Chris hooked the lead onto Dodgers collar, he heard his phone ring, he looked it out and his heart sank Megan’s name flashed on the screen.

“Hi,” Chris said trying not to sound too disappointed.

“I see you are as happy as ever.” Megan commented. “Still no news?”

Chris hadn’t told Megan about the drunken calls to Sebastian or the fact that every time his phone rang or beeped with a message his heart ceased and a cold sweat of dread hit him. He felt like he was waiting on Sebastian calling him angry and upset for his stupid drunkenness. Not hearing anything back was worse, he felt he couldn’t exactly call or talk to him if he had ignored all the messages.

“Nothing.” Chris said. “What’s up?”

He heard Megan sigh, “I hate to bring this up, but Jenny has been in touch with me, she wants to come by the house and pick up all her things.”

“She called you?” Chris said confused.

“I guess she doesn’t want to talk to you Chris.” She stated.

“That’s understandable. When?” Chris couldn’t help but feel more isolated.

“Tomorrow?” Megan suggested. “If you like I can be there if you don’t want to be?”

“I don’t know what is best, just let me know what time and if she doesn’t want to see me then I’ll be elsewhere.” He dropped his chin to his chest. “Maybe she’ll let me explain.”

“I don’t think there is anything to explain Chris.” Megan said good night and hung up.

Chris kicked at the ground beside him and Dodger barked, “I know buddy, just you and me, right?”

Chris felt his phone vibrate, he looked at it and was surprised to see a voice message. He called it back. He was so unprepared for the sound of Sebastian’s voice that he let out a wounded yelp, he wanted to say something but realising it was only a recording. He panicked and hung up, his body shaking with the adrenaline flowing he fumbled with the phone trying to call back the voicemail service. He knelt next to Dodger and clung on to him, “Shhh Dodge.” His heart exploding as he heard Sebastian’s low tone.

 _“Hi Chris, it’s me. I… I got your messages, all of them.”_ Chris could hear he was outside, but he could still make out the nervous shake to his voice. _“I don’t know what to say, I never got the message from Dan… I know he was trying to do the right thing but… anyway, I’m in LA just now, for a few days.”_ Chris heard his voice break but he quickly recovered. _“I’m sure you are pretty hungover but if you want to talk… ok bye.”_

Chris let out a breath and looked at his phone and back at Dodger who tilted his head and barked. “I know buddy, I’m going to call right now.” He smiled for the first time in days.

Sebastian had walked another block when he heard his phone ring, he steadied himself and answered.

“Hi.”

“Hi, sorry I just got your message, Megan had been on the phone and well anyway… how are you?” Chris berated himself for rambling.

Sebastian despite himself couldn’t help but smile at the sound of Chris’ nervous talk. “I’m ok, I was just out for dinner, I’m just heading back to my apartment.”

“Cool, where are you staying?” Chris asked.

“With a friend, Toby.” Sebastian clarified.

“Cool,” Chris rolled his eyes at saying cool again when nothing about this conversation was cool or natural on his end. “It’s still early. Do you want to get a coffee or a drink or… you’ve just eaten so…”?

“Look Chris, I know we need to talk but I don’t think tonight…” Sebastian trailed off.

Chris felt his heart sink, he nodded silently forgetting that Sebastian couldn’t see him. “Okay, maybe tomorrow or…?”

“Yeah tomorrow, maybe somewhere quiet so we can talk.” Sebastian said feeling more confident.

Chris cursed under his breath, he wanted to ask Sebastian to come to the house where they could talk undisturbed, but he now knew Megan would be coming over with Jenny at some point.

“Why don’t I pick you up we can get brunch.” Chris suggested. There were plenty of places they could go that were quiet but not too public. He didn’t care, he just needed to see Sebastian.

“Okay, I’ll message you.”

“Great.” Chris said relieved.

“Okay, night Chris.”

“Sebastian?” Chris suddenly felt a panic at the thought of ending I the call, “I… I just want to…”

“Tomorrow, we’ll talk tomorrow.” Sebastian said trying to save Chris any comment.

“Right. Night Seb.”

\--

Chris felt every red traffic light was a personal insult. His heart was racing out of his chest and he could feel the sweat on his back at he sat in the car. Sebastian had told him that he was going to head to a small diner near where he was staying in the morning and if Chris wanted to meet him there. Chris hand checked his phone nearly every hour all through the night. Never had he been so nervous about seeing anyone.

Chris knew Sebastian would probably be walking down to the diner and since he was ridiculously early Chris waited in the car. He wasn’t sure if he should let him know he was there or just wait till the time came to go meet him. In the end Chris decided to go wait at one of the tables outside the diner. The time they were meant to meet came and went, Chris had his phone in front of him the whole time waiting for any messages. After thirty minutes Chris was worried and disappointed, he picked up the phone and dialled Sebastian.

Just as the phone started ringing Chris could see the familiar figure of Sebastian coming down the street. Chris hung up and waved as Sebastian looked up from his phone. Chris felt his breath catch, the pale jeans and white t-shirt and sunglasses made Sebastian effortlessly sexy. Chris stood as he approached, a gentle but unsure smile on his face.

“Hey,” Sebastian said stopping short.

“Hi,” Chris didn’t hesitate for a moment, he reached out and gave Sebastian the most platonic hug he could manage. He had to stop himself from squeezing too hard or just grabbing him and kissing him. He could feel Sebastian react, his hug was brief and guarded.

Chris pulled back and gestured to the table, “Do you want to sit down get a coffee?”

“Yeah, that would be good.” Sebastian didn’t sit across from Chris but beside him. While Chris ordered their drinks.

Running his hands nervously over his thighs Chris found himself unable to make eye contact, reduced to an unsure schoolboy in Sebastian’s presence. “I was worried there that you weren’t going to show.”

“Yeah sorry, I lost track of time on the way here, ended up going for a wander and when I realised the time I ran along.” Sebastian explained.

Chris just shook his head, “I’m just glad you came.” He hazarded a quick glace at Sebastian who was smiling at the approaching waitress.

“Thank you.” Sebastian smiled graciously at the waitress and Chris couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that that warm smile wasn’t directed at him.

Once they had settled with their drinks Chris couldn’t stop himself from commenting on Sebastian.

“You look great.” Chris said shyly.

Sebastian smiled at him sadly, “I don’t feel it.”

Chris gave a shaky sigh, “Sebastian I don’t know where to start.” Chris splayed his hand out on the table and stared at it, calming himself and doing his best to talk from the heart.

“I should never have walked out that night.” Chris said matter of fact. “I ran away instead of dealing with it head on.” Chris nodded along with the points he made. “Nothing you told me wasn’t anything I didn’t already know or had thought about.” Chris looked at Sebastian. “I didn’t stop running that night either.”

“What do you mean?” Sebastian asked, his eyes were squinting on Chris.

“I never told Jenny, she confronted me after she had spoken to you.” Chris watched as Sebastian took this in. “I didn’t know she was going to see you; I would never have let her but once I knew she had I went to see you, I was going tell her, but she had already worked it out.” Chris felt sick; he could see that hurt Sebastian. “I admitted to her that I had feelings for you, and it was you that I wanted.”

Sebastian sighed and leaned on the table with his fisted hand pressed to his mouth. “You couldn’t admit that yourself, you had to be pushed?” It was more a statement than a question.

“I don’t think I had admitted it to myself until that moment. There was this final string holding it all together and once it was cut, I knew what I’d lost.” Chris lent forward and touched Sebastian’s arm, and he looked at him. “I’d lost you.” Chris swallowed thickly. “It wasn’t a fling or friends with benefits.” Chris said trying to steel himself against any emotion that was threating to spill over. “It was a relationship that I was so deep in I was blinded by everything else I was doing.”

They both sat for a moment and let the air settle, Sebastian was trying to process what Chris was saying. Chris was finally laying out everything that was so confused in his head.

“Your relationship with Jenny, what was that then?” Sebastian asked. He could see Chris thinking about it, searching for the answer.

“Something to hide behind.” Chris shrugged, “Everything about us was a secret, I guess it was just a front, something to put on show so people didn’t ask questions.” Chris put his head in his hands. “She didn’t deserve that.” He looked at Sebastian.

Sebastian nodded he understood that Chris knew he had hurt not just him, but Jenny and he knew Chris hadn’t meant to. Despite what anger he held towards Chris with all of this he knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t a cold heartless person and he hadn’t intentionally gone out of his way to hurt anyone. He knew he had cared about Jenny maybe now he understood that it was in a more plutonic way, but he still cared.

“How is Jenny?”

“She doesn’t want to talk or see me.” Chris said, he started fidgeting, spinning the cup in front of him. “She… she is coming by the house today to collect the last of her things.”

Sebastian watched as Chris bit the inside of his cheek. “She contacted Megan, doesn’t want me there. So, I’ll head out with Dodger and stay out the way.” Chris looked at Sebastian, “Maybe one day she’ll let me explain like this. Right now, it’s too much.”

Sebastian let his hand brush the back of Chris’ and he held onto his own cup. “It’s not easy I get that.” He gave Chris a reassuring smile.

Chris returned it and took a drink of coffee. “I’m sorry I never got in touch after New York.” He was ashamed of his lack of actions, that and fact he didn’t fight to show Sebastian what he meant to him.

Sebastian let out a laugh, “I don’t know I have a few voicemails to contradict that.”

Chris smiled and shook his head embarrassed, “No that was not…” He wiped his hands over his face. “You deserve more than that. You deserve someone that would pick up the phone before they got drunk or someone that would pass a concerned friend and knock your door down to tell you how they felt.”

Suddenly the pit of Sebastian’s stomach fell at Chris’ words, he could feel a cold tingle of nerves over him as he looked at Chris. He felt like his heart was about to be broken all over again.

“And that person, isn’t you?” Sebastian asked.

“I want it to be, I want to be the person that sweeps you off your feet, but I know I’ve fucked it up.” Chris stared back into Sebastian’s eyes. “I’m not expecting to come here today and for you to forgive me Seb.” Chris’ chest began raising and falling quickly. “I know I can’t take any of it back anything that’s happened over the past year, there are things I regret but being with you is not one of them.”

Sebastian was confused not sure what Chris was saying or what he wanted.

“I don’t…” He looked pleadingly at Chris.

“I don’t know if I can ever be what you want me to be.” Chris tired to explain, “And while I want nothing more than you, I’m scared I might fuck it up again and make promises I can’t keep.”

Sebastian could see the hew in Chris’ cheeks, he could feel the table shaking as Chris bounced his knee rapidly under the table. He placed a hand on Chris’ knee and gave it a firm squeeze to calm him down. Chris let out a shuddered breath and welcomed the warm relaxing firm hand of Sebastian, something he had done so many times in the past to bring him back to the moment and not lose it to panic.

“Chris,” Sebastian said to him till Chris looked at him, “I only ever wanted you for you.” He gave a reassuring smile. “I never tried to stake claim to you or ask you to be anything other than yourself. You had me for just being you.” He raised his eyebrows in question, making sure Chris followed what he was saying. “I never asked for you to come out to the world or ask you to marry me or have kids.” He said. “I haven’t even came out to my family and do you know why?”

“Why?” Chris asked his voice a whisper.

“Because I didn’t just wake up one day and decided I liked guys and thought I have to go find one to have a life with.”  Sebastian sighed, “It’s because I began having feelings for a friend and it happened to be you. That’s all I wanted was to be with you.” Sebastian smiled sadly and let go of Chris’ knee. “I just wanted it to be us, I didn’t know what that meant or what it might lead to or what we would have to label it as… but… I just wanted it as us and only us all the time, no one else.”

Chris cleared his throat and looked away trying to gather himself. “I couldn’t even give you that.”

Sebastian folded his arms on the table and shook his head. “No.”

“I want that Sebastian.” Chris wanted to touch him, grab him and make him understand what he felt. “I want you; I want us, I want a chance to show you what you mean to me.”

Sebastian shook his head, the words of Dan going though his mind too _, remember how much he hurt you._ “I don’t know Chris; I don’t know if I can go back the way.”

“No, not back, I know we can’t pick up where we were because it was… It wasn’t right.” Chris felt desperate. “I want to do this properly, I want us to try, I can’t walk away from this feeling, from you.” He looked at Sebastian pleadingly, but he could see that Sebastian was not ready for that.

“I don’t want so rush into anything Chris; I don’t know if you should either.” Sebastian said, he didn’t want to make promises, he wasn’t ready to throw himself back into something what could hurt them both again.

Chris placed a hand on top of Sebastian’s and just stared at it. “I’m so sorry Seb.” He  could see the hurt he had caused and to think that he might not see him as the happy guy he knew killed him inside. “What do you want?” Chris asked, aware he wasn’t even thinking about what Sebastian needed.

Sebastian sighed, “I want us to be able to talk and be round each other again.” He looked back at Chris, his thoughts as clear as his eyes, “If this, us, is meant to be then it will happen because we both want it. I can’t sit here and say yes let’s start over when your ex-girlfriend, that you just broke up with is going to be at your house in a few hours.”

Chris understood, he needed to give it time, but he was worried all the same. “This isn’t a rebound Seb.”

Sebastian chewed on his lip, “I know, there just needs to be a line drawn Chris.”

“Okay.” Chris sat back, “Can we at least be friends?”

Sebastian smiled, “Yeah I’d like that.”

Chris returned the smile, all was not lost at least, maybe they could be more again, but he wasn’t going to rush it. “Fancy coming with me to walk Dodger later?”

Sebastian squinted, “You mean while you avoid Jenny?”

“Yeah, sorry, that…” Chris shook his head realising it might seem insensitive.

Sebastian chuckled, “It’s ok, I have plans later anyway.”

“Maybe dinner one night while you are here?” Chris asked.

“Sure.” Sebastian blushed.

Once they were finished their coffees and they both got up to leave. “You off for a wander?” Chris asked.

“My friend Lisa is getting married in a couple of weeks and I thought I’d try get something.” Sebastian looked absently down the road, “God knows what.”

“There are a few nice boutiques a couple of blocks down.” Chris suggested.

“What way?”

“Come on I’ll show you, it’s not far.” Chris smiled.

As they walked, they chatted about Sebastian’s friend and her upcoming wedding. Chris felt calm for the first time in a long time. He felt that they were at least on the same page and there was a small hope that it could go somewhere and at the very least they could be friends.

Chris looked at a rack of cards while Sebastian studied figurines on a shelf. Chris could see the confused look on Sebastian face as he picked up an item. Chris came up behind him and looked at the dated looking gift.

“Is this for Lisa the girl that has been travelling the world for the last ten years?” Chris asked his head tilted to the side.

Sebastian looked over his shoulder at him, “Yeah.”

Chris shook his head and took the ornament from him and put it back on the shelf. “Come here.”

Sebastian let Chris guide him over to another part of the store, his hand gentle on his lower back. Chris stopped and looked up at the wall and put his hands on his hips. Sebastian instantly missed the touch and instead of looking at what Chris was, he let his eyes gaze over his profile. He could see a tiredness in Chris that he hadn’t noticed when they were sat down. He felt a prang of concern but before he could say anything Chris pulled down small silver globe on a silver base.

“They met in… New York, right?” Chris asked

“Yeah, bookstore two blocks from her apartment.” Sebastian said with smirk.

“You should get the co-ordinates and put them on the base,” Chris examined the globe and looked at Sebastian as he pulled out his phone and started looking on this for an address of the bookstore. “You could put something like, _all around the world and love was on your doorstep…”_ Sebastian stopped looked up at Chris, he could see him blush “Maybe that’s a bit cringy.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head, “No its perfect.” He looked away before he said anything else. “I have no idea how to find the co-ordinates.”

Chris handed Sebastian the globe and took his phone from him, “Just search it,” Chris mumbled to himself as he pulled up the information. “There you go.” He handed it back with a cocky smile. “Not just a pretty face.”

Chris waited outside the store as Sebastian paid, “All done?” He asked as he appeared.

“Got to come back and pick it up, they have to engrave it. I’ll never find this place again so I might wait, will be about an hour.” He said looking up and down the street, maybe he could find where to chill for a while.

“Do you want some company? Could grab something to eat that coffee didn’t fill me.” Chris suggested.

“Don’t you have to get back?” Sebastian asked.

Chris looked at him, he felt like it was a test, “No, I’m free.”

“Okay. Take me to lunch.” Sebastian smirked.

“Take you?” Chris’ eyebrows shot up, “I’m paying huh?”

“Yup.” Sebastian felt a spark between them that he had missed for a long time. It wasn’t much just a little flirting but to know he could without Chris having to rush off was nice.

“Okay princess, I got just the thing.” Chris said starting away from him.

Sebastian looked after him as he walked away, “I’m not a princess.”

“Sure, you are.” Chris called back over his shoulder.

Margaritas in the sunshine and a plate of tacos, was delightful and messy, the company was better. Sebastian could feel the buzz from the drinks and the easy flow of conversation seemed to make the whole situation relaxed. They had been laughing and Sebastian hoped it hid his blushing. When a natural lull came in the conversation Sebastian bit his lip feeling sheepish and asked what he had wanted to ask back at the gift shop.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” Sebastian could feel the atmosphere change slightly, as Chris looked up at him from under his lashes.

“Yeah, I do, do you?” Chris asked.

“Course I do.”

“Where then?” Chris asked pushing it back to Sebastian.

Sebastian smirked at Chris, “Week before the first table read for cap one, there was a cast meeting, you were talking to Hailey and I was trying to act cool and finish a smoke outside, when you came over and introduced yourself.”

Chris shook his head, “Nope, we met before that.”

“No, we didn’t,” Sebastian said his brow rumpled in thought.

Chris wiped his hands on his napkin and took a drink, “About a month before you were at a screening for something your buddy Chase was in. I remember because spoke to him and he said that I’ll be getting to know you because you had been cast in cap.”

Sebastian shook his head, “That wasn’t meeting me. That was talking to someone else about me.”

Chris rolled his eyes, “I spoke to you, I tried to introduce myself, but you were drunk and hitting on someone.”

Sebastian stared off in a daze, “Maria something…”

“You had on tight black skinny jeans and a black shirt.” Chris let out a little happy sigh, “Your shirt was unbuttoned just a little too much, your sleeves all rolled up.” Chris gestured to his own sleeves in memory. “You had some blonde through your hair, you looked so young.” Chris laughed.

Sebastian looked at Chris, his head tilting with mouth open in wonder that made Chris reach over the table nudge his chin till he closed his mouth. His thumb rested on his chin for a moment, “I remember watching you lick your lips, I thought it was nerves, you kept doing it, I couldn’t stop staring, it made my stomach flip, I had to turn away.”

Sebastian felt it then, if there hadn’t been a table between them, he would have been on Chris. He would have straddled his lap and kissed him while trying to touch as much of him as possible. He let out a breath, he could see Chris was still staring at his lips. “Fuck”. He muttered clearing his throat.

Chris looked away and took another drink. “I should get you back to the shop, your gift will be ready.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian took one last bite of his food to keep his mouth occupied so he didn’t say thing too stupid. Chris smiled and reached out and wiped a bit of sauce from the edge of Sebastian’s lips. Sebastian caught his arm and pulled his hand to his mouth, his tongue swept over the pad of Chris’ thumb. He could see Chris’ eyes dilate and his body shiver. The noise of a car horn broke them apart, both suddenly aware of their surroundings.

They both laughed and buried in their hands in their pockets, as they started back to the store, they kept their conversation light and avoiding anything that might be construed as anything other than friendly.

“It looks great.” Chris said examining the engraving.

Sebastian took the globe and put it back in the box and bag, “Thank you Chris, for today, helping pick something and lunch.”

“You’re welcome.” Chris said pulling out his car keys. “I’ll need to get back and take Dodger out.”

“Sure.” Sebastian nodded.

“How about dinner tomorrow?” Chris suggested.

“Sounds good.” Sebastian said his breath hitched.

Chris went to leave but turned back, “I’m not asking you as a friend,” Chris looked about suddenly nervous that he was making a fool of himself. “I’m asking you as a date… can I take you out to dinner?”

Sebastian blushed and bit his lip, “I’d really like that.”

Chris smiled bashfully, “Pick you up at eight?”

“I’ll be ready.”

Chris was on a high, he couldn’t get he smile off his face if he tired, the car windows were open, he was singing along to tunes and his fingers tapping the wheel. The whole day with Sebastian had been more then he could have hoped for, they hadn’t put everything behind them but they were talking and there was still the spark between them, more than a spark, a yearning, a want and now they were going to go on a date. Their first date, first real date. Chris had a huge surge of nerves but just seeing Sebastian’s face when he asked was all he needed to spur him on.

Chris’ happiness was quickly sucked from him as he pulled in the gate of his home. In the excitement of everything he had forgotten about Megan bringing Jenny to the house. He was surprised to see only Jenny’s car in the drive, maybe Megan had been dropped off, but something didn’t sit right with him.

He went in the house and whistled for Dodger, when there was no reply he went through to the lounge, he could see past the kitchen and the doors to the patio were open. The lonely figure of Jenny sitting on one of the chairs as she watched Dodger run about after the ball. Chris felt his heart heavy; he wasn’t sure if he was ready for this show down, not after the day he had had with Sebastian.

Walking out on to the patio he cleared his throat, Jenny never flinched, “You were longer than I thought you were going to be.” She said.

Chris walked out to the steps leading down to the grass and watched Dodger. “I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

“How thoughtful of you.” Jenny said her voice was empty, no sarcasm, no hate.

It was then Chris looked as her properly, he could see the skin unusually pale, dark circles under her eye’s, her lips thin and cracked, her cheeks were hollow. There was a waxy sheen to her skin and her eyes just stared out. Chris went to her and knelt in front of her.

“Jenny? Jen?” He could hear his own voice in his ears but he could also hear his own heart beating faster and faster. He pulled her hands away from where they lay folded in her lap. The dark straining of dried blood mixed with the fresh red that pooled in her palms. “No Jenny, no, no…”

Chris pulled off the shirt he had on and wiped frantically at her hands looking for the source of blood.

“What the fuck, what it this?” Grabbing her face, he made her look at him, “Jenny what have you done?”

She just looked at him, her face blank, her eyes welled with tears. “I lost it all.”

“What?” Chris said wrapping his shirt tightly round her one arm that bleeding heavily.

“I lost it; it was all I had left.” Jenny mumbled.

Chris pulled her up, the panic in him turning to urgency, “Come on Jen, we need to get you to the hospital.” Chris shouted on Dodge to get in the house as he held Jenny to his chest. “Why Jenny, why did you do this?”

“I wanted to tell you,” She spoke into his chest. “I thought you’d be happy but then you pulled away…”

Chris looked down at her “Jen?”

“A baby Chris.”

Chris felt his world tip sideways, he gripped Jenny to his chest and tried to steady himself. He scooped Jenny up and headed for the car. “It’s going to be ok, I promise.” Chris said strapping her into the passenger seat. He pulled out his phone and called Megan.

Megan found Chris pacing a private waiting room in the hospital. “Chris.” She stopped short when she was the blood covering his shirt, he was ringing his hands together, over and over. She pulled him to her, “Oh my god what happened?”

Chris pushed her back by her shoulder and felt the anger bite at his words. “Where were you? I thought you were meant to be with her?”

Megan shook her head, “She was, I was.” She said defending herself. “She had collected all her stuff and put it in the car, she was fine a bit quiet but not…” She watched as Chris pulled away and started pacing again. “I locked up, she was in her car ready to go in the drive, I left just before her... she must still have her key.”

“Fuck!” Chris shouted.

“This isn’t my fault Chris.” Meg said.

Chris shook his head, “If I had got back sooner.”

Megan stopped Chris from pacing and pushed him back on a chair, she made him look at her.

“Chris, this isn’t your fault either.”

“She lost a baby, our baby.” Chris stated.

“What?” Megan sat back on her knees in shock.

“She said she knew before we split up, she lost it two days ago.” Chris put his head in his hands and let the tears flow.

“Chris,” Megan held him, “Sweetheart.”

They waited for what seemed like hours by the time someone came to see them. A young doctor came in and spoke to them.

“Jennifer is doing well, her next of kin has been informed. I can’t give you any more information, but she has said she’d like to see you.” A young doctor told them.

“Do you want me to come?” Megan asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.” Chris said following the doctor out the room.

Chris waited on a nurse to leave the room Jenny was in before tapping on the door. She turned and looked at him. “Come in.” She said adjusting herself on the bed.

Chris walked up to her and looked at her bandaged arm and band aids on the finger of her other hand. His chin was set, he couldn’t believe that she had done this to herself and it made him angry that he was the cause of it. He shook his head and sighed. “Jenny?”

“I was going to tell you.” Jenny said her voice leaden with hurt. “I wanted to make it special but when you came back from New York you said you were sick; I didn’t see you for days.”

Chris sat beside her in the Chair next to the bed and hung his head.

“I knew something wasn’t right and I couldn’t tell you not until I knew.” Jenny continued.

“Jesus.” Chris took Jenny’s hand gently. “Jen.”

“I was going to tell you when I came to collect my things… but something went wrong…” She watched as Chris laced her finger with hers and gently held her bandaged arm.

“This though Jen, why, why do this?” Chris’ voice was broken.

Tears fell down her face, “Being in that house, all the memories and all I could think about was what I’d lost.”

“God Jenny, nothing is worth this.” Chris said the guilt overwhelming.

“I could deal with losing you Chris but the baby…” She just shook her head. “I didn’t plan to do this, I’d left a bag in the house and suddenly on my own I just broke down.”

“Fuck,” Chris sighed. “I should have been there.”

Chris felt sick, his head was spinning, and he couldn’t process everything. He went back to the waiting room while a nurse came in to see Jenny. Megan stood up and looked at him expectantly.

“This is my fault.” Chris said but Megan shook her head, “It is, I should have been there today instead I was with Sebastian.” Chris said. The afternoon seemed a world away.

“Chris she would have lost the baby either way, these things are not in our control.”

“No,” Chris said angrily, “But if I’d been there, I could have stopped her from hurting herself.”

Megan just sighed and asked, “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing,” Chris put his hands on his hips, “I’m going to wait here with her until brother gets here from Boston”. He could see the unsure look on Megan’s face, “I can’t leave her.”

“Ok, can I bring anything?” Megan offered.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

It was the early hours of the morning and Chris couldn’t sleep in chairs in the waiting room. He couldn’t have slept if he had wanted to. The thought of what had happened just hours ago, seeing Jenny in such a state. Most of all was thinking about the baby, he couldn’t get past that she had been pregnant and not told him, that she had lost that baby and what future that might have meant for them both.

Chris looked at his phone, Sebastian had messaged him about that day and then again later about the following night. He hadn’t gone back to him. Everything just seemed turned on his head. He knew he’d need to cancel, and he wasn’t sure what that would mean for them. He also knew that he should tell Sebastian what had happened, but he didn’t want to betray Jenny either.

Chris tried to compose a message, but he didn’t know what to say and with his battery running low he put it back in his pocket and did his best to get comfortable in the chair.

By late afternoon the following day Sebastian picked up the phone and called Chris, there had been no word from him since the day before and he had a bad feeling in his gut. Yesterday had gone well they were both happy when they left each other but three messages later and no response Sebastian felt a familiar dread set in.

Chris’ phone went to voice mail and Sebastian hung up. He wasn’t about to leave a message and make a fool of himself all over again. He was pissed but he didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t sure if he should wait, maybe there was a legitimate reason or maybe something was wrong, or maybe Chris had chickened out. He knew Jenny had been at Chris’, maybe he had laid on the charm as he had for him. _Fuck!_

Sebastian knew he need to know and called a cab.

Pulling up at Chris’ house he felt sick both Chris’ car and Jenny’s were in the driveway. He was filled with anger and it fuelled him up to the door and continuously rang the bell. After a minute the door was flung open by a half asleep Chris.

“You are so full of shit Chris.” Sebastian spat at him.

“Seb…” Chris started.

“Did you tell her everything you said to me yesterday?”

“Seb...” Chris tried again.

“Did you spin her the same story?”

“Seb stop, please.” Chris raised his voice.

“Did she make a better offer?”

“Stop it!” Chris shouted, “Fuck! She’s in the fucking hospital!”

Sebastian stilled a punch to the gut when Chris shouted. “What?”

Chris never got a chance to explain any further, they both turned as the screeching noise of brakes outside Chris’ gate. A door slammed and the large figure of Jenny’s brother came towards them. Sebastian looked at Chris, but he didn’t move, if anything he shrunk in size ready to take anything thrown at him.

“You stay the fuck away from Jenny!” Her brother shouted, his finger in Chris’ face, “This is your fault! I don’t know why she’s protecting you but if I ever hear you’ve been near her, I’ll ruin you.”

Chris said nothing, he hung his head as Sebastian looked on confused. The brother, signalled to the car he had come in and it sped off, he got in Jenny’s car and reversed it back into Chris’ car before turning and taking off out the gate.

“What the fuck?” Sebastian said. He was surprised by Chris’ lack of reaction of fight. “Chris what is going on?”

Chris went back into the house leaving the door open behind him and Sebastian followed.

They sat in silence, Chris had told Sebastian everything and he was doing his best to process it. Sebastian could see Chris was shut down emotionally and his own outburst when he arrived made Sebastian’ face flush with embarrassment and shame.

“I don’t know what to say Chris, I’m so sorry.” Sebastian even cringed at his words.

Chris looked at Sebastian, he could see he was struggling with the news too. “I have really fucked up.”

“Chris she has been through something horrible and she can’t be blamed for it but blaming yourself isn’t going to help.” Sebastian looked down and picked at the seam of his jeans, “You have to be there for her.”

“Seb…”

“I know what we spoke about, but this is something else.” Sebastian said feeling the weight of responsibility on him to say and do the right thing, not just for himself but for Chris. “This wasn’t just her baby Chris.”

Chris nodded and sighed, “I know, I know.” He looked at Sebastian but he wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“You need to process that and what that would have meant.” Sebastian said.

Chris reached over and took Sebastian’s hand and pulled him till he looked at him and his eyes met his. “It wouldn’t have changed how I feel Sebastian.”

“This isn’t the time to talk about us Chris.” Sebastian said trying to pull his hand away from him.

“Then when is?” Chris spat, “I’ve hidden my feelings for so long and look what it has done! I’ve ruined lives!”

“Chris…” Sebastian moved over to Chris and took his face in his hands, “Chris.”

Chris let out a sob, letting it finally go. Sebastian pulled Chris to him, “I’m not going anywhere, but you need to deal with this and be there for Jenny.” Chris gripped at him, his hands fisting his t-shirt.

With a small hope that he would not regret anything Sebastian whispered.

“I can wait.”


End file.
